christmas is less than two months away, and it took a cold shower early this morning to remind me of it. i've come to associate the switch from warm to cool climate with the yuletide season though i know it's not always the case. go figure.

it's starting to bug me how i haven't been able to write anything the past few weeks. it's not for lack of trying, or stuff to write about. it's like whenever i attempt to do so, my mind goes completely blank and nothing comes out. like designing, writing is one of my outlets and in my opinion the more honest and the more personal one. i've been banking on it since i felt the onset of design drought, but now it's gone too and the alarm bells are ringing louder than ever.

i guess i can't avoid it anymore, i have to ask it out loud, ask myself.

what. is. wrong. with. me?

of course laying it out in the open doesn't change the fact that much like before, i still have no answers.

i'm not really a planning kind of person, and i think it shows in about every single thing i do. i prefer things to come to me, to present itself as an opportunity. this setup has always worked for me over the years (prolly cause i am naturally lazy) and i din't mind one bit.

until now.

back then, i was ahead of most people i know. now, i am moving in slow motion while the people around me live their lives. grand designs. plans. their future one step ahead but still within their grasps while i wallow in mediocrity and discontent.

no, this is not about jealousy. at least not the obvious kind. it's more of curiosity of what it would feel like to grab life's wheel and just step on the gas, full throttle. screw the brakes and fuck the seatbelt.

what's stopping me? i honestly don't know. it's a combination of a lot of things too vague to enumerate.

i hope it's not too late to learn how to drive.

i looked at the calendar this morning and jeezus it's march already? i must have sleepwalked through the past couple of months. my life has been pretty uneventful and ordinary except for the recent surfing trip i had with karen a few weeks ago.

if my life had a frigging monitor, it would certainly be a flatline by now.

curiously though, i don't mind it one bit. i think i'm at a point where i am content with what i have at the moment although i'm hoping this lull won't last because honestly, i'm beginning to be a little of a party-poooper. almost all my friends have stopped asking me out because when they do, i always beg off and make excuses. going out has become a tedious task for me and the usual drink-eat-get-drunk-vomit-hangover thing has lost its appeal.

maybe this is what getting old is like. you become too lazy and bored with everything so you just sit in one corner puffing ciggies and drinking black, sugarless coffee. with no sugar.

whatever.

so the holidays have come and gone. it's a new year, a new beginning of sorts.

i wish everyone the best of everything.

•    •    •    •

i received a strange email from my dad the other day. for the uninitiated, here's a little background: when i was 6, my dad left for the states to work as a nurse. a year after, my mom (who is also in the same profession) went abroad too but in a different state. being that young, i never wondered why she din't move in with him. years went by and one day when i was already in high school, mom talked to me and kaye and asked us if it would be okay if she remarried. apparently, she and dad had separated some years back and he had already found another woman. i dunno if it was the fact that i never really had very clear memories of my parents or sheer passiveness, but i din't have any qualms about giving her my "blessing". mom has since then remarried, given birth to my baby sister kate, and has been visiting us almost once every two years. my dad on the other hand, visited once in '88. i haven't seen him since then, except on the few pictures he sent us over the years. he also put us through school, sending money for tuition fees until me and my sister graduated college. up until now sends us a small amount every month as allowance. i remember how i would grasp for things to say to him whenever he would call. it seemed like i had nothing to say. how could i, when i sincerely, honestly don't know him. my own father. how sad is that?

recently, he has started to email more frequently, asking about us and life and work and stuff, which leads me back to my story. the aforementioned email echoed dad's sentiments about how he hasn't forgotten to send us monetary support over the years and how we are always in his thoughts even though he doesn't talk to us that often. mind you, all this happened while we were exchanging mail about ordinary, mundane things. i'm not one who gets queasy with mushy stuff but his email just made me uneasy so much that it took me hours to reply. to say that i have an uncomfortable, if not entirely strained relationship with my father is an understatement. even so, it pained me to realize that he might be thinking that all we care about is his money because that is not the case.

i may not know him that well but i care about him a lot, more than i ever thought possible. i wanted to reach out and say things to comfort him but strangely, all i could think of were a couple of generic, incoherent mumblings which was about the same as a pat on the back from a stranger.

for all intents and purposes known and unknown, he IS a stranger anyways.

i woke up this morning late again as usual. i cursed loudly as i got out of bed, vaguely remembering how i heard my alarm go off at 6am. how can it be 7:30 already?

for as long as i can remember, being on time has always been a problem for me. i can't recall how many times i've been late for school, work, appointments and gimiks due to my blatant disregard for time. there was this instance when i was demoted from being a best man at a friend's wedding because i arrived more than an hour late at the church (in defense, that said church was in laguna but yeah) i've been trying to improve on that aspect and so far i've been fairly succesful, but there are times when i just find myself slipping into my old routine. mornings are the hardest. of course it doesn't help that i have trouble sleeping at night, aside from the occasional waking-up-at-odd-hours-of-the-morning schtick.

i wish the flailing stopped there but wait, there's more! *in a forced british accent*

my tardiness isn't just limited to the obvious but in other aspects of my life as well. i was "late" to graduate from college. i started drinking, smoking and partying "late". i started working "late".

see where i'm going with this?

sometimes i wish i could relive some parts of my life, you know? just LIVE it. a life without reservation, without compunction, without regret.

maybe then i wouldn't feel like i've wasted most of the time i spent here on this earth.

saturday me, pe, kel and ohme went to balsa sa niugan, one of the more popular hangout places in my beloved hometown. most weekends we just stay at our place and just help ourselves to liters and liters of red horse so that night we decided a little change in scenery was in order.


we talked about a lot of stuff duing the session. upcoming goodbyes, new beginnings and everything in between. it gave me a sense of joy, knowing how far we've come as friends. it's always amusing to reminisce about the fact that when we all started hanging out, all we did was play basketball and arcade games. conversation topics were limited to shallow, impersonal stuff.


the rain started to pour, and so did opinions, ideas and plans: honest, unbidden and sincere. we talked nonstop for hours till a waiter told us that it was time for last call. we told him we've had anough already and we'd just nurse our remaining beers.


we finished just over half a case of red horse that night. even kel, our resident non-alcoholic, made it to 2 bottles before passing out going to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face and bidding us adieu. i went home with a more-than-your-average buzz, my mind a hazy slush of alcohol and memories. right then and there, i knew.

this was the start, the first of many endings.

saturday night found me at home with perennial drinking buddy perry, sharing bottles of red horse while the rain continously hammered our flimsy, rusty roof.

"pare, desidido na ako. punta na ako ng singapore or dubai, pinakamatagal ko na siguro early next year. kung nagkataon pala ikaw na lang talaga maiiwan sa barkada no?"

i thought for a moment, then sighed and said "oo nga no? richie. elaine. algene. kabbie. saclay. giron. gj. kel malapit na din, tapos yung mga nandito naman sa 'tin, di naman na nagpapakita..." i stared off into the rain and kept quiet, letting the words sink in. it was true. one by one, the people that i call friends are leaving for the proverbial greener pastures abroad. i almost hate them for it. almost.

but then again, this entry isn't about being left behind.

rather, it's about realizing that so far, my life has been nothing but a showcase of uncertainty, sacrifices and so-so decisions. i am a poster boy for mediocrity.

this has been a recurring source of agitation for me, something that i can't attribute to "midlife crisis" (because i don't think i'll live beyond 50) that easily. while my friends have been busy trying to live their lives and taking steps towards independence and stability, i have been procrastinating and trying to convince myself that i was doing the same thing as they were. now that i think about it, i'm not certain if i even gave a decent enough effort. yeah sure, i now work in advertising, but it took me 6 years to decide to go for it because i was afraid i wasn't good enough to be in the industry and, while i earn enough money to keep me comfortable, my pay is nowhere near the money my other friends get from their jobs. heck i could be living in NY right now with my mom, but instead i told her that i wanted to stay because i din't want to leave my grandparents behind.

there's always something in the way. there's always a reason why i can't break free from monotony.

sometimes i think i make up excuses why i suck at life and pass them off as logic, like "it's not my fault that i'm not who i want to be because of circumstances i can't control" or "i'll put other's needs before mine because i'm selfless like that." my sentiments are sincere, but sometimes i can't help but wonder if those rationalizations are the ones that are holding me back. i don't even know if those are the only reasons.

i need answers, now.

saan?

sa pagsapit ng umaga
ang kamalayan ay napupunta sa talinghaga
ang tanging isip sa gunita
saan na naman ako dadalhin ng aking mga paa?

sa paghahanap sa pag-asa
sa araw araw na pagkabalisa
sa paulit-ulit na mga salita
saan na naman ako dadalhin ng aking mga paa?

magugulong tanong na walang kasagutan
mga bagay na hanggang ngayo'y may pagtataka pa
sa mga bagay na iniingatan
saan na naman ako dadalhin ng aking mga paa?

hinahanap sa langit ang liwanag
sa lahat ng mga bugtong na di mabigkas
hawiin ang ulap, tanggalin ang kaba
saan na naman ako dadalhin ng aking mga paa?

the premise:

you and your significant other are about to go out to have your long-delayed anniversary dinner. you want the night to be special because she is special. you wanna make her happy. problem is, you’ve been feeling really sucky lately. nothing’s wrong, it’s just that you feel burnt out, you feel caged by life and you wanna escape a bit, away from the daily stress monotony brings. even more complicated is the fact that you wanna escape ALONE.

the setting:

meet the girlfriend somewhere and pick a place to eat, a place where she hasn’t been in before. feel happy as she takes in the novelty of the themed resto, and delight in the fact that she looks like a kid in a toy store. (lame analogy but yeah. fuck you.) order appetizers while deciding on what to get for the main course. scan the menu, and smile at her apparent difficulty in picking something she likes even though you know how much she likes food. after a few minutes, (or after the appetizer is completely gone, whichever comes first) make an order and talk about normal, everyday stuff while waiting.

when the grub arrives, start digging in and marvel at the fact that it tastes awesome even though it doesn’t look as good as it does on the menu. try to keep the conversation light and fun, and after a while nonchalantly ask her a hypothetical question:

“say, if i wanted to get away for a bit, get some alone time for a couple of days, would that be okay with you? You know, just to recharge my batteries and stuff. I feel like I’m going in circles in my life.”

the conflict:

at this point, your gf will stare at you like you suddenly sprouted bat-like wings and sharp fangs, and you will become aware of the fact that you feel like hitting yourself. repeatedly. ignore this, for you must focus. try to explain your side, about how burnt-out you are and the me-time you’re asking for in no way reflects the status of your relationship. if you do this right, you will notice that she has subtly shifted moods. this won’t escape you since you know her too well and you then can try feebly to elaborate further on how you already told her about that particular plan way back when you first started seeing each other. all you’ll keep hearing from her is “it’s just a weird request is all.” and the overused, award-garnering line “ikaw bahala.” you will probably feel a little guilty, and you can try to diffuse the situation a bit but stop yourself. instead, utter these words, the coup de grace:

“i never should have said anything. tapos ganyan ka na.”

if done correctly, all hell will break loose. the gf, who a minute ago looked a bit sad with what you said earlier, will put on a face of pure contempt and say something that may vaguely sound like this:

“wag mo ako sisihin kung ganito ako dahil sa sinabi mo. you should have expected several potential reactions from me when you thought of asking me that question.”

strain to hear her words, and give a look of disbelief. say that you never meant to blame her, you were just trying to point out the obvious that indeed if you hadn’t said anything, the mood wouldn’t be this awful. give her a few seconds to answer back. then, after several more minutes of staring, give up trying to reason with her, utter a condescending “whatever”, and continue to eat your respective meals in total silence.

success! you are this close to ruining the date you’ve been preparing for for weeks!

the aftermath:

the gf will possibly turn to you and shoo you away from your seat, saying something about smoking out on the resto’s veranda. pretend not to hear at first, then slowly get up to let her pass. slump back to your seat in total annoyance. wait a good 10 minutes, and though you will hope that the cigs will calm her down, they won’t. you can panic a bit when you realize it has been 20 minutes since she got up and she still hasn’t come back for extra effect. you then can try to sneak a peek outside by going to the men’s room and in all probability you will see her sitting at an outdoor table staring at her drink, at which point you will become totally pissed at her for being “unreasonable”. go back to your table, pay the bill and irritably head to the veranda. you then will come up to her, say “tara na.” and walk away without waiting for a response. afterwards head to the nearest cab stand to take her home. once inside the vehicle, resume the “silent treatment” method.

as soon as you reach her apartment building, quickly pay the driver and get out of the car without even glancing her way. as she starts climbing the stairs to her unit on the third floor, trudge up behind her. make sure you keep a minimum distance of a foot.

upon reaching her door, you can do one of two things:

1. start bawling like a fucking baby, say you’re sorry, and give her a peck on the cheek while stroking her hair, or;

2. do a 180-degree turn after seeing her pick up her cellphone and hearing the words “sige labas pa tayo maya. daanan mo na lang ako sa bahay.” escape from her lips. for added flair, kick the thing nearest you and/or punch the big, drum-like structure on your way back down the building.

congratulations! you have just ruined a date, and you are well on your way to becoming a total asshole! (or a reasonable, logical guy, depending on your perspective. wuteva.)

warning: results may vary depending on premise.

"bones sinking like stones
all that we've fought for
all these places we've grown
all of us are done for

and we live in a beautiful world
yeah we do, yeah we do
we live in a beautiful world"

--- don't panic, coldplay
somehow, i don't agree with mister martin on this one. the world isn't beautiful, it's stupid. we live in a stupid world.

a world so stupid, we need instant everythings: instant noodles, instant coffees, instant education and instant celebrities;

a world so stupid, you'd find that "common sense" isn't so common after all;

a world so stupid, that people would use you for their own selfish purposes then dump you for somebody who looks like mig ayesa after a full scale brawl and whose interests rival that of a 4-year-old;

a world so stupid, that leaders of the so-called free world fail to cooperate with each other to make the world we live in a better place;

a world so stupid, that sometimes no matter how hard you try to make your life better, it would always find a way to kick you in the balls. or ovaries. wuteva;

a world so stupid, that no matter how beautiful you think your life is you'd keep finding something lacking in it;

a world so stupid, you'd realize it's full of stupid people who do stupid things and think stupid thoughts;

a world so stupid, sometimes you'd wonder why we even try at all.

pardon the post. i accidentally swallowed a bitter pill and i can't seem to spit it out. now leave me alone.

i've been many things to many people.. a tireless comic. a loyal friend. a devoted boyfriend. a friendly EX-boyfriend. a rabid sex toy (ok, that's a bit of wishful thinking on my part but wtf) i've been and still am all these things and more. each one of these makes up the whole of my being.

there are days when i can just talk your head off and keep on going (despite your aforementioned decapitated head rolling off somewhere), days when i can just use up humungous amounts of energy and not miss a beat.

i can make you laugh hysterically with a mere quip; i can make your head spin with my ideas. i can take any topic and find humor or seriousness in it and make you see it from my eyes.

i can be really friendly at times; to the point that you'd feel we've been friends since we were kids eventhough i only met you a couple of hours before. i can put you at ease and make you feel not a care in the world.

i can be efficient and industrious, a perfectionist sometimes. i can be confident, and i can make you believe that anything is possible when you put your mind to it. i can be supportive, through good times and bad.

i can be sweet and affectionate. i can make you feel like you're the most important person in my life because in all probability, you really are. i can make you feel loved like you wouldn't believe.

i am all these things because i am me. that is just who i am.

but like in all things, duality exists. i am no exception.

i can be a complete asshole. a slacker. a constant source of irritation.

i can be awfully quiet at times, often appearing to be passive on stuff that you say or do. there are times when i just wanna sit down in a corner and be left the fuck alone because that's just who i am. at least, in the solitude of my own world, i can't say or do anything to make you feel bad.

i can cut you down with words as easy as snapping a finger. i can spew off insults whenever you say or do stupid things because that's just who i am. at least i don't pretend that everything's okay with me when in fact they aren't.

i can be antisocial at times. times when i won't even spare a "hi" when i see you. i can be pretty hotheaded and rude even to friends, especially when you said or did something i din't like. for me, the closer we are to each other, the less patience i have for you. you know me better, so you're not supposed to do the things you know will piss me off. i think that way because that's just who i am. at least i try to make up for it afterwards.

i can be as lazy as a sunday afternoon. days when i just wanna lie down and do absolutely nothing instead of going out and partying. i bum around because that's just who i am. at least when it's crunchtime, i deliver on my promises.

i can be insensitive and uncaring. i can make you feel absolutely inadequate and unimportant, especially if we argue because i don't want to spoil you too much. people need to learn to fight for themselves no matter the circumstances. i use strong words when we discuss things because that's just who i am. at least i don't sugarcoat things, i just say it like it is.

i wish i could be the person everybody expects me to be, but the reality is, i can't be. not all the time. i wish i could explain to everybody why i act this way one minute, another the next but i can't. it doesn't mean i LIKE being this way. i'm trying really hard to change some of the negative things about me but it's just not that easy. hey, at least i can sincerely say that i'm making an effort even if people can't or won't see it.

now i wish i had a point to this entry. a nugget of wisdom i can share for those who patiently read this, but i don't. as i'm typing the closing section of this rant all i can think of is "fuck off, idiot". excuses i have none, my profanity asks of no apology to anyone.

i don't care what you think of the stuff i just wrote because that's just who i am.

last saturday, i woke up and found a text message sent to me by my bestfriend gj who's currently in butuan for work:

"bes, wala na si lola.."

i hurriedly replied, still half-asleep and in shock. after a few exchanges, i learned that his grandma had passed away that morning at their home in malabon, and that he's taking the next flight bound for manila. he said he'll stay here for 2 weeks or so to take care of stuff for the wake. reading his messages, he seemed really down and i couldn't help but feel sad for him. i know how hard it was for him. she was all he had. she was the reason why he didn't want to accept the job offer in butuan in the first place.

"sabi ko kay lola, babalik ako. hindi na ako hinintay."

me and gj share a lot of parallels in life, and being a "lola's boy" is one of them, so you can just imagine how bad i felt. i got to talk to his granny quite a few times and she was this sweet, kind soul who always had a ready smile for me everytime i came to visit. she would always ask me if i already ate, afterwards she would offer what food they had on the dining table. i never did take her up on those.

inexorably, the situation got me thinking about my own grandparents which i really, really try to avoid because i don't ever want that to happen to them. i really don't do well with funerals for the same reason. everytime i go to one i hie off in one corner and stay quiet. those kinds of instances always end up with me imagining scenarios involving myself and my loved ones and truthfully, it scares the hell out of me. it scares me like nothing else in this world.

i keep wishing with all my heart that i wouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain ever, but i know it's futile. death, after all, is inevitable. still, knowing that doesn't make things any easier. so while i still can, i try to show them they mean the world to me which is kind of hard because we are not the kind of family that says "i love you" openly. but hey, we do what we have to. there are a lot of other ways we can let people know they are important to us.

+ + + +

to whoever reading this, i would like to ask of you to say a little prayer for gj's grandma, if it's not too much trouble. thanks.

bes, i'm here for you. keep yer head up, okay? we'll get through this.

why is it that whenever i try to write stuff nowadays, i end up staring at a blank wall? it starts out as an idea in my head, which usually comes when i'm commuting or daydreaming or doing my thing in the john. i try to compose my entry word for word, try to figure out which sentences go where, make imaginary cross-outs, the works. then, when it's finished and i try to sit down and physically write (type) it, i realize that my "notes" are gone.

take this morning for example. i was on my way to work and i thought of writing an entry about the passing away of an officemate's mom and how i felt during the wake and shit. i was pretty sure i had all dem details down. i got to the office, did a few of my projects and when i was finished, i tried doing my entry. nada. zilch. what was supposed to be a pensive, serious piece (subjective, with the stress on supposed) has been replaced with this incessant, unecessary and whiny rant. it's so frustrating that it isn't even funny anymore.

before, whenever i had free time, i would just open my blogger account and let the words flow. it was spontaneous, tongue-in-cheek and, if i do say so myself, mildly articulate. (again, this point is subjective. feel free to tell me otherwise) nowadays my blog's contents just have silly pictures that have stupid captions. i mean, what the fuck is up with that? i feel like i've stepped down a couple of rungs in the evolutionary ladder of creativity. i used to fancy myself as somewhat of a below-average, at the most decent writer. now i'd be happy if someone hits me with a "you're okay" compliment.

god, i'm starting to sound like a whiny bitch.

happy weekend folks.

funny, christmas is just around the corner, yet i don't feel its spirit.

it's not just me. i have talked to people who share the same sentiments as i. everybody is worried about gifts, food, celebrations and money. which got me thinking.. is that all what christmas is really about? a few years back, people started putting up decorations as early as late november; everybody was in a jolly mood. through the years, as the economic situation of our country got worse, as tragedy after tragedy continued to hit us to the point of submission, i guess people just became more and more jaded. pessimistic. i too have been guilty of it at one point. maybe that's the reason why i feel this way.. then i realized that i have a lot to be thankful for despite all that's happened to me, despite all the deficiencies in my life:

my grandparents are still healthy despite their old age.

so are my parents who, despite living abroad, never forget us.

i have a better job which pays me fairly well.

i met a lot of new people who have become very dear friends.

i have found someone who makes my day complete, who continues to love me despite my inadequacies.

it's not gifts, money or celebrations that make christmas complete. it's sharing what you have, your blessings and your love that do so. as we approach that day, i wish all of us will remember that. a cliche, i know, but it we all need to be reminded of it every once in a while

merry christmas everybody.

(oh, and i know how ironic it is to be preaching about non-material stuff when a fairly expensive wishlist is posted above. it's a WISHLIST. i need not explain anymore. =])

the words flowed out freely, unbidden, with an ease that surprised me. it was like i had been holding back all this time, and it actually felt good to release some of those pent-up emotions.. at the same time, it felt scary. like i din't care if i hurt her or not. i have been down that road before, and i don't wanna go back. all it did was paint an ugly picture of who i was, of who i could be once more if i don't control myself.

but that is not me.

not anymore.

i won't let myself become that person again.

i took this pic about a week ago, while me and the officemates were playing ball at the mini basketball court on the rooftop of our building. something bout the scene reminded me of the life i led almost a year ago.

dark.

foreboding.

with very little bright spots.

i was alone, having just broken up with an ex. i had resigned from work out of disgust. i shunned most barkada gimmicks because i was too depressed and broke to go out. everything seemed so pointless and boring.

then, everything changed. gradually.

i remember a line from one of my fave movies, the will smith starrer HITCH: "that's what people do. they leap, and hope to god they fly." and that's exactly what i did.

somewhere along the way, i got tired of my stale, safe life, and i leapt.

it wasn't easy. my initial attempts were futile, owing largely to the weight of my burdens. and upon introspection, i realize now that i wasn't even trying back then. it was fortunate that i had my friends, who were there everytime i tried leaping. they caught me whenever i crashed, without hesitation. they then dust me off, nurse my wounds and egg me to try again. i kept trying and trying and trying. i applied in the previously-shunned field of advertising, and i got a job in an ad agency. i opened myself up, and i found a warm, sweet and caring person who makes me smile each god-given morning that i wake up. the world had become brighter, more colorful, more exciting. everyday, i find new reasons to be happy, to keep on living, to be a better person.

i had leapt, and i surprisingly found out that i had the ability to fly.

tell me all your dreams and hopes
what makes you dance in reckless abandon

tell me all the things that makes your tears fall
what breaks your heart and what wounds your soul

tell me all the things that excite you
what makes you deliriously happy, what makes you whole

tell me all your fears and doubts
what makes you tremble and what makes you unsure

tell me all these things, share with me your life
i want to partake in its delight

yesterday started out ordinarily enough. i was going through the motions that has become a constant the past month.

then, as the day was drawing to a close, something wonderful happened.

it was something unexpected, yet i welcomed it with open arms.. and, just like that, all the worries and agitation and hurt the past months were gone, banished by that one single blissful moment.

for the first time in recent months, i can proclaim to high heavens that i am HAPPY. =]