last saturday, i woke up and found a text message sent to me by my bestfriend gj who's currently in butuan for work:

"bes, wala na si lola.."

i hurriedly replied, still half-asleep and in shock. after a few exchanges, i learned that his grandma had passed away that morning at their home in malabon, and that he's taking the next flight bound for manila. he said he'll stay here for 2 weeks or so to take care of stuff for the wake. reading his messages, he seemed really down and i couldn't help but feel sad for him. i know how hard it was for him. she was all he had. she was the reason why he didn't want to accept the job offer in butuan in the first place.

"sabi ko kay lola, babalik ako. hindi na ako hinintay."

me and gj share a lot of parallels in life, and being a "lola's boy" is one of them, so you can just imagine how bad i felt. i got to talk to his granny quite a few times and she was this sweet, kind soul who always had a ready smile for me everytime i came to visit. she would always ask me if i already ate, afterwards she would offer what food they had on the dining table. i never did take her up on those.

inexorably, the situation got me thinking about my own grandparents which i really, really try to avoid because i don't ever want that to happen to them. i really don't do well with funerals for the same reason. everytime i go to one i hie off in one corner and stay quiet. those kinds of instances always end up with me imagining scenarios involving myself and my loved ones and truthfully, it scares the hell out of me. it scares me like nothing else in this world.

i keep wishing with all my heart that i wouldn't have to deal with that kind of pain ever, but i know it's futile. death, after all, is inevitable. still, knowing that doesn't make things any easier. so while i still can, i try to show them they mean the world to me which is kind of hard because we are not the kind of family that says "i love you" openly. but hey, we do what we have to. there are a lot of other ways we can let people know they are important to us.

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to whoever reading this, i would like to ask of you to say a little prayer for gj's grandma, if it's not too much trouble. thanks.

bes, i'm here for you. keep yer head up, okay? we'll get through this.