realization dawns on you when you least expect it.

i have been wandering aimlessly for weeks, carrying a burden so overwhelming. my tangled mind was trying to sort things out, desperately trying to make sense of everything that's happened recently. i have been seeking the company of good friends, people who could possibly try and fathom the way i'm feeling right now.. people who are sensible and honest enough to call things like they are without reservations. last night, i had an honest conversation with 2 friends that opened my eyes to a lot of things.. stuff that i have been so adamant to openly admit.

it's funny how sometimes you think yourself a certain way, yet you do and say things to the contrary. when something unpleasant happens you are eager to put the blame on everybody but yourself, often neglecting the fact that it really does take two to tango, that there are 2 sides to every single story, sometimes more. i have been living under the pretense that i did everything i could to make things better. little did i know that the things that i DIDN'T were the ones in question.. sometimes you want things to work out a certain way that you don't see the other scenarios, some of which are better than what you intend to happen.

i decided to crash at my friend's place. we talked for a bit more for an hour or so, after which he went to sleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. there, lying awake in the darkness of his room, amidst the rhythmic whirring of his industrial fan, between the steady heaving of my chest, it came to me. without warning.

realization hit me like a speeding 10-wheeler truck. and it left me reeling.