the premise:

you and your significant other are about to go out to have your long-delayed anniversary dinner. you want the night to be special because she is special. you wanna make her happy. problem is, you’ve been feeling really sucky lately. nothing’s wrong, it’s just that you feel burnt out, you feel caged by life and you wanna escape a bit, away from the daily stress monotony brings. even more complicated is the fact that you wanna escape ALONE.

the setting:

meet the girlfriend somewhere and pick a place to eat, a place where she hasn’t been in before. feel happy as she takes in the novelty of the themed resto, and delight in the fact that she looks like a kid in a toy store. (lame analogy but yeah. fuck you.) order appetizers while deciding on what to get for the main course. scan the menu, and smile at her apparent difficulty in picking something she likes even though you know how much she likes food. after a few minutes, (or after the appetizer is completely gone, whichever comes first) make an order and talk about normal, everyday stuff while waiting.

when the grub arrives, start digging in and marvel at the fact that it tastes awesome even though it doesn’t look as good as it does on the menu. try to keep the conversation light and fun, and after a while nonchalantly ask her a hypothetical question:

“say, if i wanted to get away for a bit, get some alone time for a couple of days, would that be okay with you? You know, just to recharge my batteries and stuff. I feel like I’m going in circles in my life.”

the conflict:

at this point, your gf will stare at you like you suddenly sprouted bat-like wings and sharp fangs, and you will become aware of the fact that you feel like hitting yourself. repeatedly. ignore this, for you must focus. try to explain your side, about how burnt-out you are and the me-time you’re asking for in no way reflects the status of your relationship. if you do this right, you will notice that she has subtly shifted moods. this won’t escape you since you know her too well and you then can try feebly to elaborate further on how you already told her about that particular plan way back when you first started seeing each other. all you’ll keep hearing from her is “it’s just a weird request is all.” and the overused, award-garnering line “ikaw bahala.” you will probably feel a little guilty, and you can try to diffuse the situation a bit but stop yourself. instead, utter these words, the coup de grace:

“i never should have said anything. tapos ganyan ka na.”

if done correctly, all hell will break loose. the gf, who a minute ago looked a bit sad with what you said earlier, will put on a face of pure contempt and say something that may vaguely sound like this:

“wag mo ako sisihin kung ganito ako dahil sa sinabi mo. you should have expected several potential reactions from me when you thought of asking me that question.”

strain to hear her words, and give a look of disbelief. say that you never meant to blame her, you were just trying to point out the obvious that indeed if you hadn’t said anything, the mood wouldn’t be this awful. give her a few seconds to answer back. then, after several more minutes of staring, give up trying to reason with her, utter a condescending “whatever”, and continue to eat your respective meals in total silence.

success! you are this close to ruining the date you’ve been preparing for for weeks!

the aftermath:

the gf will possibly turn to you and shoo you away from your seat, saying something about smoking out on the resto’s veranda. pretend not to hear at first, then slowly get up to let her pass. slump back to your seat in total annoyance. wait a good 10 minutes, and though you will hope that the cigs will calm her down, they won’t. you can panic a bit when you realize it has been 20 minutes since she got up and she still hasn’t come back for extra effect. you then can try to sneak a peek outside by going to the men’s room and in all probability you will see her sitting at an outdoor table staring at her drink, at which point you will become totally pissed at her for being “unreasonable”. go back to your table, pay the bill and irritably head to the veranda. you then will come up to her, say “tara na.” and walk away without waiting for a response. afterwards head to the nearest cab stand to take her home. once inside the vehicle, resume the “silent treatment” method.

as soon as you reach her apartment building, quickly pay the driver and get out of the car without even glancing her way. as she starts climbing the stairs to her unit on the third floor, trudge up behind her. make sure you keep a minimum distance of a foot.

upon reaching her door, you can do one of two things:

1. start bawling like a fucking baby, say you’re sorry, and give her a peck on the cheek while stroking her hair, or;

2. do a 180-degree turn after seeing her pick up her cellphone and hearing the words “sige labas pa tayo maya. daanan mo na lang ako sa bahay.” escape from her lips. for added flair, kick the thing nearest you and/or punch the big, drum-like structure on your way back down the building.

congratulations! you have just ruined a date, and you are well on your way to becoming a total asshole! (or a reasonable, logical guy, depending on your perspective. wuteva.)

warning: results may vary depending on premise.