so the holidays have come and gone. it's a new year, a new beginning of sorts.

i wish everyone the best of everything.

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i received a strange email from my dad the other day. for the uninitiated, here's a little background: when i was 6, my dad left for the states to work as a nurse. a year after, my mom (who is also in the same profession) went abroad too but in a different state. being that young, i never wondered why she din't move in with him. years went by and one day when i was already in high school, mom talked to me and kaye and asked us if it would be okay if she remarried. apparently, she and dad had separated some years back and he had already found another woman. i dunno if it was the fact that i never really had very clear memories of my parents or sheer passiveness, but i din't have any qualms about giving her my "blessing". mom has since then remarried, given birth to my baby sister kate, and has been visiting us almost once every two years. my dad on the other hand, visited once in '88. i haven't seen him since then, except on the few pictures he sent us over the years. he also put us through school, sending money for tuition fees until me and my sister graduated college. up until now sends us a small amount every month as allowance. i remember how i would grasp for things to say to him whenever he would call. it seemed like i had nothing to say. how could i, when i sincerely, honestly don't know him. my own father. how sad is that?

recently, he has started to email more frequently, asking about us and life and work and stuff, which leads me back to my story. the aforementioned email echoed dad's sentiments about how he hasn't forgotten to send us monetary support over the years and how we are always in his thoughts even though he doesn't talk to us that often. mind you, all this happened while we were exchanging mail about ordinary, mundane things. i'm not one who gets queasy with mushy stuff but his email just made me uneasy so much that it took me hours to reply. to say that i have an uncomfortable, if not entirely strained relationship with my father is an understatement. even so, it pained me to realize that he might be thinking that all we care about is his money because that is not the case.

i may not know him that well but i care about him a lot, more than i ever thought possible. i wanted to reach out and say things to comfort him but strangely, all i could think of were a couple of generic, incoherent mumblings which was about the same as a pat on the back from a stranger.

for all intents and purposes known and unknown, he IS a stranger anyways.